John Mulaney Quotes: Not an april fools day joke!

Happy April Fools DAY!

Rather than try to trick you, I have assembled a list of my favourite John Mulaney quotes.

John Mulaney is a hilarious stand up comedian giant. He started off writing at comedy central, then Saturday Night Live. So to celebrate the 1st of april, lets all have a laugh with 37 best John Mulaeny quotes, in no particular order…..

John Mulaney Quotes

1) “I look back on being 17 and think, ‘Oh my God, how did I not die?’
2) “I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.”
3) “Things have to be funny first, and if they want to have a point, that’s awesome.”
4) “I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.”
5) “You can do good work simply staying up all night and eating nothing but junk food, but probably not in the long term.”
6) “I’m a very lucky person. I’m an idiot, and I’ve shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don’t feel like I deserve good treatment.”
7) “All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don’t understand it.”
8) “I like making fun of myself a lot. I like being made fun of, too. I’ve always enjoyed it. There’s just something really, really funny about someone tearing into me.”
9) “You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about.”
10) “I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how tonight is the night and we only have tonight. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s no good. How about wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all.’
11) “I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky.”
12) “You should be able to say I don’t know. That should be an acceptable answer on a test.”
13) “Do you want a salad or fries? That’s like asking, ‘Do you want to go for a jog or freebase cocaine?’”
14) “I was once on the telephone with Blockbuster Video, which is a very old-fashioned sentence.”
15) I don’t look like someone who used to do anything. I look like I was just sitting in a room with a chair eating saltines for 28 years and then walked right out here.”
16) “For those of you who don’t know what it is, blackout drinking is when your brain goes to sleep, but your body gets all ‘Eye of the Tiger’ and soldiers on.”
17) “When I’m walking down the street I don’t think anybody goes, ‘Hey look at that man’, they’re just like ‘Woah, that tall child looks terrible’.”
18) “Here’s how easy it was to get away with bank robbery back in the ’30s — as long as you weren’t still there when the police arrived, you had a 99% chance of getting away with it.”
19) “It’s 100% easier not to do things than to do them.”
20) “You have your law practice, and me, I have all these * markers.”
21) “If you are a school student, your opinion does not matter.”
22) “I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the king of stress that I am under.”
23) “Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them.”
24) “Now I get to say, ‘my wife’ which is very exciting. It has a lot of power to it. It’s fun to say ‘my wife’.
25) “I was bullied when I was in school for being Asian-American. The biggest problem with that is that I’m not Asian-American.”
26) “It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of ‘Law & Order’ in my apartment.”
27) “We’ve been pretty hot and heavy lately. I think it’s time we bring in two older Catholic people.”
28) “Late at night, on the street, women will see me as a threat. That is funny, yeah! It’s kind of flattering in its own way, but at the same time it’s weird because, like, I’m still afraid of being kidnapped.”
29) “You can’t always see both sides of the story. Eventually, you have to pick a side and stick with it. No more equivocating. You have to commit.”
30) “13-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this day because 8th graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you. They don’t even have to look at you long.”
31) “I am now gross. I am damp all the time. I am damp now and I will be damp later. Like the back of a dolphin, my back. The butt part of my pants is damp a lot. I don’t think it’s anything serious, but isn’t it, though? I’ll be in a restaurant and I’ll get up and be like, “What did I sit in?” And it was me.”
32) “My childhood was completely dominated by Bill Clinton and the OJ trial. I don’t think we had a family dinner where one didn’t come up.”
33) “Comfort is everything. You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.”
34) “The world is run by computers. The world is run by robots and we spend most of our day telling them we’re not a robot just so we can log on and look at our own stuff. All day long. “May I see my stuff please?” “Ahhh, I smell a robot! Prove, prove, prove! Prove to me you’re not a robot! Look at these curvy letters. Much curvier than most letters, wouldn’t you say? No robot could ever read these. You look mortal, if ye be. You look and you type what you think you see! Is it an E or is it a 3? That’s up to ye. The passwords that passed, you correctly guessed, but now it’s time for the robot test! I’ve devised a question no robot could ever answer. Which of these pictures does not have a stop sign in it?” ****in’ what?!”
35) “I’ve been zoned out since 2014. I just–all day long–I wander into traffic. Walking like Charlie Chaplain while listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast.”
36) “I’ll keep all my emotions right here. And then one day I’ll die.”
37) “You start doing something and you want it to be perfect right away, but most babies are born ugly and then they shake it out and you get beautiful toddlers.”

(All jokes are of course credited to John Mulaney. http://www.johnmulaney.com/)

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